the Cranky Panky

                   Spreading Awareness for Pancreas Research

​                                    5 Years and Counting....

It has been 5 years now!  Five years since the hardest and scariest day of my life. It seems so weird to say that.  Seems weird, I guess, to be ABLE to say that.  As each year passes, I will always reflect on that day five years back.  The take-your-breath-away memories and the trauma is not completely erased, but the details are more blurry, and my family is thankful to have more distance between now and those most difficult of days.  The memories still come and go, but life is good, and a new perspective is always evolving.  

As they say, time heals a lot.  It allows for you to experience moments of forgetfulness.   It helps you to forget some of the most painful moments, and the most scared.  I am happy to have moments where I can forget a lot of what I have been through.  I am able to often put out of my mind the excruciating pain I have experienced and the suffering endured.  I can forget for the most part the feeling of my bones rubbing against each other after spending months – practically years - not being able to eat.  But even so, I will never be able to fully, really, and completely forget... nor do I want to.  From the trauma and suffering, new things come. This gift, if it can be called that, offers the ability to see more clearly and feel more deeply. This new perspective is precious and gratefully treasured.  Moments are sweeter, and as my family and I can tell you without a doubt, laughs are most definitely louder!!

My daily life now, 5 years and counting, is still not with ease.  Even though I may be able to have moments of forgetfulness, I cannot have one single day of not noticing the demanded change that came with those days.  I don’t get a break from the delicate balance of blood sugars – counting every carb in every bite of food, injecting insulin many times a day, pricking fingers and checking blood sugars, and programming and juggling devices that are constantly attached to my body to keep me from a fatal hypo- or hyper- glycemic episode.  I don’t get a break from the digestive problems that constantly plague me, causing nausea and some pain, keeping me close to home, and threatening another surgery.  I don’t get a break from the multiple medications multiple times a day and the difficult side effects some of them bring.  I don’t get a break from the now chronic migraines and fatigue that limits and controls much of my ability.  I don’t get many breaks.  But I did get another break at living, at seeing my children continue to grow, and at being able to show Jimmy how much I love him even more.  I get to feel the joy as I prepare and eat a dinner with my family or play a game at the living room coffee table.  I get to experience serenity as I hear the rooster and other creatures wake me up in the morning.  I get to love and be loved for at least one more day.  That is a HUGE break.  And a perspective that I will never take for granted.  Today, I am here, and I am present.

So on this beautiful, cold, snowy day - the 24th of January - I celebrate!!  I celebrate the many blessings with my family.  I celebrate the crazy new memories.  And I celebrate the special people in my life that have made it all possible!!!  Cheers!!